Time On My Hands

I spent a lot of time getting things done so I could  -  spend my free time with the drink, enjoy the drink, shop for the drink and just generally plan my day around the drink. Friday nights were the best... work week done, planning week-end projects/errands and just enjoying time that was my own. Once the clock hit 5-ish, me and the drink were boon companions. My brain would let out a big sigh.

Some very recent medical and home repair urgency's have left me without discretionary funds for at least a year so plans to tour the state, work on home improvement projects and create world peace are on hold. This is the era of free entertainment but I'm just lazy about hunting them down. I'm not much of a social person either so filling my time is problematic.
For my long term success, I need to find a new boon companion(s) or discover a Zen clarity to this dilemma. I should be able to accomplish this Art of Being Sober, just think of the effort I put into The Art of The Drink. 

Cautiously Optimistic

17 days sober.

I feel kind of good today, not as tired. Feeling on the thin edge of cheerful even. Could it be possible I've gotten over a small speedbump in finding the Art of Being Sober? I don't think I've uncovered any gravity defying insights about myself these past two weeks. I'm still mildly depressed, still have those self esteem problems that have always been there and a tendancy to be crazy bored in the evenings.

My parents were BIG drinkers. Dad has tried to drink himself to death at least three times since he retired. To me it seemed like they did it because they felt sorry for themselves so I've been spending a lot of time examing that aspect in myself. It's always a possiblity although I think the sameness of my days wears me out so I hid with the drink. Socialbility doesn't come easy to me, I have to wear a different persona.

I need to plan some events for myself. I'm always at my best when planning something, looking forward to something. As with everything difficult, easier said than done. I'm pretty lazy about pulling the trigger and commiting myself to the effort. I have some time off the next couple of months, I need to get on that.

Insomnia

I wish I could fall asleep easier. 15 days ago I was intoxicated and had no choice but to close my eyes. Now I toss in bed feeling every itch and repeatedly pound my pillow into a more comfortable shape. I can hear the ceiling fan is a tad unbalanced. It's too hot or too cold.

I am feeling much better in the mornings, that's a given, but I am so tired.

I'm sure the drink was not giving me a very restful sleep at all but my eyes snapped shut and that was it till I had to get up to for a potty stop. It's tough for me to focus on work and even though all that drink induced body destruction is leaving, the no-sleep factor is leaving it's own imprint on me. I know this will sort itself out but I sure wish I could take a nap right now.

Vitamins and Supplements

A decade ago before my first quit (13 points in Scrabble), I found a book called "7 Days to Sobriety". It promised a cure for alcoholism. Color me incredulous. Boil the book down to a chapter and the core of it was that changing your diet and taking their endorsed (and for sale) brand of vitamins/supplements would have you back on your sober feet in 7 weeks.

I found plenty of sound advice and did spend a couple hundred bucks buying their supplements. Then I spent an incredible amount of time portioning out my four times a day pills, taking said pills, buying rice flour bread and expanding my limited cooking skills to include all this odd food.

Oddly - with all my attention diverted to maintaining this new lifestyle, things were easier than expected. 

For subsequent quits and this one - I've drilled down to things that have worked for me. My diet is a bit more healthy - whole grain bread, half caffeine coffee and nearly zero sweets. I swear by the amino acid Glutamine for kicking those cravings. Works every time. I also take a lot of Vitamin C, Vitamin B, multi-vitamins, Calcium-Magnesium, amino acids and Primrose Oil. I've done a lot of bio-chemical and general damage to my body. I'm hoping these will be tools to help the repair. I wish I could find a pill to give me perfect clarity for my absolute inability to drink like normal folks.

My Story

I've been drinking since I was a teenager which even in dog years is a long time ago. I wasn't someone you'd see on an episode of Intervention or gossiped about after an office party. I've worked for the same company 18 years, raised a couple of children, bought a house and paid off the car. I also wasn't someone that lingered over one cocktail and went to bed. I had eight and rebounded off walls, then collapsed into bed.

Around ten years ago, I decided this wasn't an acceptable way to live every. single. day. I quit drinking and whined and complained. Quitting is hard, quitting sucks. Quitting comes with baggage. Quit scores you 13 points in Scrabble

I started drinking a couple of years later (reasons unimportant), became that rebounding, collapsing person and quit - again. Rinse and repeat. I hit the wall again last month and quit 10 days ago, I don't want to be that person. I don't really like that person. She can be a lot of fun but she's a mess.
I'm not into 12 steps or arguing with my addictive voice. I'm on the onion system. I need to peel back these layers and find out why drinking is so attractive to me. Blessings to you if AA or another plan works for you. I'm on a journey to discover the Art of being Sober.

Incognito

I haven't told anyone that I've quit drinking. It's not so that I can back-slide with impunity, I think I'm having some "me" time to sort out my feelings. Most days I'm somewhere in the 5 stages of grief. Anger, Denial (well, not that so much), Boredom, Clock Watching and Grudging Acceptance.

I'm pretty pissed off that there isn't a magic pill for this but if they solve our energy problems, I want this to be next on the list. You know - five dollar solar cells the size of an I-pod - check. Take the addictive out of alcohol- check. While they are at it - make cigarettes healthy.

Can't really deny there is a problem.

Drinking was my reward for surviving another day in the uncertain middle-class. It was something to do, now I'm pretty bored once my life in the cube farm is done. Watching Keyboard Cat on You Tube is getting old.

I keep thinking that when I wake up the next day, I will have some new insight. A heavenly light will appear above my head and Bam! I have the zen of Mother Theresa.

I'm always hovering around grudging acceptance but until I move into the house next door of I'm Happy and I Know it, I'll keep my grudge.

7 Days Sober

Well - here I am. Actually 8 days sober and attempting to re-create that stream of conciousness that has been slapping me in the back of the head all week.

I've had a love-hate relationship with drinking nearly all my life and I've known about this addition since I was 15. In an offensive way it has probably saved me from worse things. Imagine my 16 year old self... "Cocaine? No thanks - I know how I am with alcohol and cigarettes- let's not add a costly illegal substance to my treat bag. I'll probably REALLY like it"

This is I think my 3rd or 4th trip to abstain forever. Those were obvious failures or I wouldn't be here. The act of not having a drink hasn't been difficult, the art of understanding why I want 12 is.

So here I am. Sub-par grammer, bare bones blog page and a need to speak.